By Lapdiang A. Syiem
After my return from Belém, Brazil, in September 2024, I decided to start a diary for my one-year-old child, Lawanshai, where I write about my travels and experiences for him to read when he gets older. The diary continues and here are a few excerpts taken from each entry since then.
09/10/’24
Dearest Lawanshai,
This is my first time writing to you my son. One day I hope you will be able to read my thoughts and travel with me into this past that will probably influence and shape your life and your growing years. I wish never to impose anything upon you. My only wish is for you to know who you are, be curious, discover something new always and know that I am always here for you to love, support and encourage you. I never imagined myself to be a mother but I am one now and I love every single bit of my time with you.
… Despite all my travels, home here in Shillong, in Meghalaya, is where I want to return to always. Who I am as an artist makes sense because of where I am.
… I love you my son. Let’s travel to Belém do Pará, to Brazil, to the Amazon together.
Love,
Mei
20/10/2024
Dearest Lawanshai,
… I was still breastfeeding you until before I left so my breasts were engorged with milk and it was so painful my son. Every few hours I had to keep pumping the milk out using an electric pump. Pumped on the plane toilets (all the while thinking why am I doing this in a toilet?) and airport baby rooms … brr … brr … brr … goes the sound of the pump.
So, I flew KLM Airlines from New Delhi to Amsterdam, layover and then Amsterdam to Rio de Janeiro, layover and then to Belém to the North of Brazil to Amazonia. Dear boy, never in my life did I dream I would visit Latin America, the Americas. I hate flying but the landing is always amazing. My son, I wonder if you will ever inherit your mamma’s love for seeing new places and experiencing new things and connecting with different people. I wonder if like me you’ll fall in love with people, places and objects … Papa loves to stay in one place. He is a creature of habit and his passport has been expired for more than 10 years now.
My first sense of Belém, landing there at 2 am or 3 am was that the streets resembled parts of India. The poorer parts and not the posh parts. I felt immediately at home because here I was travelling to another developing country. Oh Belém! I was exhausted but I couldn’t wait to start this new journey and delve into all the experiences that will continue to make, break and transform me. I still haven’t returned. A part of me will continue to remain there. Always …
Love,
Mei
25/10/2024
My dearest Lawanshai,
I write to you as my heart and soul are heavy. We are living at a time when we are witnessing the genocide happening in Gaza, in Palestine. When you grow up I want you to know the history of the Palestinian people and their story. The story of oppression, of subjugation, of forced displacement, of colonization under Israel and all its allies supplying arms and ammunition to it to commit this genocide. U.S.A, U.K, Germany, India, the world is complicit. It’s a complex world and I’ll try my best to explain it to you bit by bit in whatever capacity I can. Your father got us the Palestinian flag and it hangs just outside our bedroom in the corridor. I would carry you, and each morning before we went upstairs to Ieit and Paieit, I would hang up the flag with you in my arms and let you touch it. Please respect it and we will teach you about its history.
… My son, the first night I was in Belém I danced Carimbó. Carimbó is an artform of resistance by the afro-indigenous groups in Brazil. I danced my heart out. I learnt how to dance from my friend, the poet Borblue and another stranger on the dance floor. I enjoyed it so much my son.
… You, at 1 year old are already jiving and moving your cute body every time you hear music. I hope you dance my child. I hope you dance always. I love you so much.
Love,
Mei
28/10/2024
‘Habibi’ my dearest Lawanshai,
Today you kept saying Habibi. Habibi means ‘my dear’ or ‘my love’ in Arabic. I don’t know how you picked up that word or if you joined words together but you kept repeating it and I recorded you saying it.
… The genocide continues …
… We live in a sad sad world and I hope and pray that for your generation, you will be a generation of healers and not haters.
… Being in the Amazon rainforest this time demystified what the rainforest is to me. We were in the island of Cotijuba. My darling son I swam in the Amazonian waters and my body embraced the water, the soil, the mangroves, the violent history, the people, the communities, the love, the fruits of the Amazon, the music, the erasure and the sad but real burning of the Amazon forests and of course the monoculture to feed a capitalistic 1st world nation/nations.
Love,
Mei ♡
02/11/’24
Ko Lawanshai baieit I Mei,
Yesterday we took you to the farm to Bhoi (Umeit). It was the first time for you to see your Paieit’s years of toiling the land. Now his fruit trees are growing so well and yesterday you walked amongst them so happy to touch the grass, the leaves, the earth. You even had your lunch outside sitting on the grass. We also took you to the waterfall and dipped your little feet in cold, fresh water. My darling son how you enjoyed yourself yesterday imitating the chickens, the rooster, the pigs, the goats.
… My darling, when I was in Belém I was part of the event, Art for Climate Justice … I performed an old piece I had first worked on in 2018 called ‘Reaching Out to Grasp Roots … I Stand Uprooted’. I had devised this piece from Ieit’s collection of poetry …
… When you grow older, we will tell you all these stories. I worked on this piece to address the issue of coal mining and extraction here in Meghalaya, particularly an incident in the Ksan mine in 2018 where miners were trapped inside and couldn’t be rescued.
I hadn’t performed in a year since I gave birth to you and something in me, maybe intuition led me to propose this performance in Belém and darling I got a standing ovation. It was so emotional for me and I felt like, there, I belonged to that space of storytelling and theatre and performance. People said I transformed and became someone else. It touched people at a very deep level and it touched me also at my core. This is why I love what I do. And after it is all over, I feel empty but in a good way.
… If you ever visit Latin America (I hope you do) go see how the indigenous communities live, fight for their rights, call out for justice and hold on to their identity. Colonisation has destroyed the world to an extent that is beyond repair and it continues now in its most ugly form through the genocide in Palestine committed by Israel, genocide in Sudan, extraction in Congo. This year I have felt guilty about my gold wedding ring and diamond engagement ring because of their linkage to extractivism.
I am now reading about the Landless People’s Movement in Brazil and I got a chance to listen to Jane Cabral speak about the LANDLESS WORKER’S MOVEMENT (MST). In Portuguese it is Movimento dos Trabalhadores Rurais Sem Terra (MST), a social movement in Brazil aimed at Land Reform.
Oh! My performance script was translated into Portuguese.
My trip to Belém really made me question my life and choices as an artist. I must do more, must strive for more.
Love,
Mei
06/11/’24
Dearest Lawanshai,
The U.S.A elections are on right now. Donald Trump vs. Kamala Harris. What a joke my darling. Both perpetrators of the genocide. But Trump is a crazy man. America (U.S.A) has now become a joke. A slap in the face is what this election is all about. Today we will watch the comic show at play.
I am so busy prepping for my performance of Ka Pahsyntiew at Gender Bender in Bangalore.
I love you Lawan!
Mei ♡
12/11/’24
Dearest Lawanshai,
I wore my very first bikini in Belém. It felt so amazing but also terrifying to reveal yourself especially since I gave birth to you. I had been in labour for 13hrs or more and I really wanted to have a natural delivery but after a point I got so tired and I was so worried for you.
… They took me to the OT and cut me up and I just remember hearing your loud screech as they removed you from my belly. That was the happiest moment for me my love. To hear your loud screech.
… So, when I wore that first red and white bikini in Belém I was confronting my body again with my keloid scar at the lower part of my abdomen.
I was scared to swim in the river.
… I pause now to recall that time there on the island of Cotijuba, the Carimbó music…
As soon as we landed on the island, we were confronted by a huge, imposing, ghost-like stone building that had been a prison during Brazil’s military dictatorship (1950s was it? I could be wrong. I was never good at history or geography. Your father is, although he’s not such a traveler as I am). My time in Belém was an experience that I will never ever forget my darling son. I saw, tasted, felt, cried, laughed so much. How crazy that someone can feel so much and embrace so much.
Love,
Mei
18/11/2024
Dearest Lawanshai,
Today is your Popop’s (Paieit) birthday. He turned 73. Popop is very strong, wise, gentle and radical. I am who I am because of him. He is the one who has always supported Palestine and their struggle for freedom and liberation. He never supported Israel and what it stood for and continues to stand for.
I haven’t had a chance to write to you much because I was so busy filming/documenting our next project on Ka Pahsyntiew. We spent 3 days filming at ka Krem Marai in Nongkrem.
… The caves, the granite caves are magnificent. Tall, looming, dotting the landscape. And then you have the uncomfortable presence of the Assam Rifles, the paramilitary armed forces in our territory. I say our because these lands hold our stories, our histories, our lives.
… Lawanshai it is in this landscape that I now tell or retell the story of the Syiem clan’s ancestress. I seek to dialogue with Ka Pahsyntiew, with this woman of granite.
… Let me just write one more thing about Belém that I remember … I remember watching all the boats bringing in Accai berries. I remember that last Sunday before I left Belém roaming the empty streets and witnessing the systemic poverty, the drugs, the poor, the well dressed pastor at the port, the stench, the drugs, the empty streets in their Portuguese architecture.
I love you so much darling.
Love,
Mei
07/12/2024
Dearest Lawanshai,
It’s been a while since I write to you again. I’ve been so busy because I’ve just returned from another trip. But this time in India; in Bangalore. I went there to perform at the Gender Bender Festival 2024.
… Yesterday the 6th of December was the anniversary of the demolition of the Babri Masjid … 6th Dec 1992. Crazy how the country still seems to be swirling around this same nightmare. How the rise of Islamophobia is escalating. Oh btw! Our neighbouring state Assam has just banned the consumption and sale of beef in public spaces.
So, as I said, I was in Bangalore for my latest performance about ‘Ka Pahsyntiew’. It is a reinterpretation of the story of the ancestress of the ‘Syiem clan’. Ka Pahsyntiew was drawn out of Ka Krem Marai by a yellow jalyngkteng flower or syntiew pathaw. She was taken to the village by the man who drew her out of ka krem, met a warrior from ka kur Mylliemngap and birthed a lineage with him. After she gave birth to her children, she left them to return to her granite cave. This is a simplified version of the folklore. In my previous entry I had written about how we filmed and documented on site. Well, this time in Bangalore it was a theatrical presentation.
… “I am rock, I am granite
U Mawsiang, u mawsiang, u mawsiang”
… Slowly from a position of stillness I move and crack. My entire body is covered with multani mitti and charcoal.
… Oh my goodness my son! I have suddenly had an epiphany. I want to rework and re-choreograph the piece. So, this time I will really build on the tension of the rock. I will resist flexibility and hold on to the tension of the rock. Every bit of the story is with the intensity of rock.
… I completed the performance and I thought what a mess!! I went straight to the shower and washed everything from my body and almost cried.
Love,
Mei
15/12/2014
My dearest Lawanshai,
You are growing up so fast! I love watching you grow and I love your love for life and how in awe of everything you are. I am writing to you again on the day before my birthday. I will turn 36 this year.
… I got you two gifts from Brazil, oh wait! 3 gifts! I got two dolls for you. One is a one-legged doll with a crutch from a doll maker who makes dolls with disabilities – dolls with no hands, blind dolls, dolls in wheelchairs, autistic dolls. I got you this beautiful one-legged doll with yellow hair.
… The other doll is made by an indigenous doll-maker whom we met on the streets of Belém. Her name is Mani and she is an albino doll. Let me tell you her story from what I could gather and remember. When she was born her mother died at childbirth and she was born an albino. The village said she was cursed. She lived with her father in his hut. When she died after a few years, the villagers did not allow her to be buried in the village. So, her father dug up a grave inside their hut to bury his daughter. That night he had a beautiful dream. The spirits of the forest visited him and said, “Do not worry, your child Mani is not cursed. She is a blessing and from her a plant will grow that will feed the entire village.” When he woke up, a small sapling had sprouted on Mani’s grave and a tree grew that till today is one of the staple foods of Brazil, manioca which I think is cassava.
… I think of Brazil often and that memory and my time there will always be etched in my mind. The boat rides we took to the island, the food I ate, the fruits, the juices I had, the water I swam in and the people I met. I really enjoyed my travel.
Love,
Mei
Lapdiang Artimai Syiem is a theatre artist based in Shillong. Her practice delves into Khasi folklore and the oral narratives of her community, reinterpreting and adapting them into a contemporary context. Using her body in expression she explores notions of identity, gender, memory and environmental concerns impacting her community.
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